Jake Speaks

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Kiski Chai Bechata Hai Tu

Posted by Jacob Parackal on December 31, 2013 at 7:45 AM Comments comments (0)

Kiski Chai Bechata Hai Tu

(Whose Tea Do You Sell)

Apane ko chaiwala kyun kehta hai tu
Baat-baat mein natak kyun karta hai tu
Chaiwalon ko kyun badnaam karata hai tu
Saaf-saaf bata de! kiski chai bechata hai tu!

(Why do you call yourself a teaseller
Why do you act and lie all the time
Why do you give a bad name to teasellers
Say it clearly! Whose tea do you sell!)

Khoon lagakar anguthe mein shahid hota hai
Aur corporate mafia mein masiha dekhta hai
Ambani-Adani ki dalali se ‘vikas’ karata hai
Arre badmash bata de! kiski chai bechata hai tu!

(Without getting injured, you turn into martyr
And seek redeemers in corporate mafia
‘Development’ is building Ambani-Adani empire
O scoundrel! Whose tea do you sell!)

Khand-khand Hindu pakhand karata hai
Varnashram aur jati par ghamand karata hai
Phule-Periyar-Ambedkar se door bhagata hai
Arre OBC shikhandi! kiski chai bechata hai tu!

(Immersed thoroughly in the Hindu hypocrisy
You puff your chest in the caste culture
And run away from Phule-Periyar-Ambedkar
Hey OBC pretender! Whose tea do you sell!)

Masjid-girija girakar deshbhakt banata hai
Danga-fasaad ki tu darhi-munchh ugata hai
Dharma ke naam par bas qatleaam karta hai
Arre haiwan bata to! kiski chai bechata hai tu!

(Razing mosque or church makes you patriot
Manufacturing riots you nourish your luxuriant beard
You butcher the weak in the name of religion
O devilish terror! Whose tea do you sell!)

Dharmapatni ko chhod kunwara banata hai
Phir dost ki beti se chhedkhani karata hain
Kaali topi aur chaddi se laaj bachata hai
Arre besharm! kiski chai bechata hai tu!

(You leave your wife and become bachelor
To sexually harass your friend’s daughter
Black cap n’ khaki shorts cover your shame
O shameless crook! Whose tea do you sell!)

Kali kartuton par sharma nahin karata hai
Koshish insaan banane ki zara nahin karata hai
Chaiwale ko mupht mein badnaam karata hai
Arre makkar ab kah de! kiski chai bechata hai tu!

(Never ashamed of your black deeds
Not least interested in becoming human
With no recompense, you malign teasellers
You charlatan! Whose tea do you sell!)

Apane ko chaiwala kyun kehta hai tu
Baat-baat mein natak kyun karta hai tu
Chaiwalon ko kyun badnaam karata hai tu
Saaf-saaf bata de! kiski chai bechata hai tu!

(Why do you call yourself a teaseller
Why do you act and lie all the time
Why do you give a bad name to teasellers
Say it clearly! Whose tea do you sell!)

Mah School Buddies

Posted by Jacob Parackal on July 15, 2010 at 4:53 PM Comments comments (0)

A sense of déjà-vu cripples my thought when I sit down to write about my long lost school friends and their stupendous achievements they conquered in lyf. From engineers to doctors to journalist to CA’s to fashion apparel designers we had it all. We are even proud to swank about our batch producing or to produce an air force pilot.

We were born and destined to leave this place in clay. Only thing that remains among the denizens of the planet is how much have you been able to sway this world to your tunes or how much u have succeeded in captivating the imaginations of your so called friends. The one who succeeds in doing so leaves a long lasting hallucination in people’s mind even after they are gone… gone far off.. Memories are therefore bound to stay. Well some people tend to enter the history books but everyone is not ordained enough for some flow with the mass. Only dead fish goes with the flow. But the biggest accomplishment you achieve is how many people tend to wet their eyes on your departure and advent into the new world be it happiness or be it grief. Power and influence; the two words without which one can’t live. Success and excellence go hand in hand. Well to be honest if u excel u gotta be successful. I always believe each one is destined or are honed with special talent. How early he/she comes to know about the inborn or destined talent the person tends to boom in life for he would categorically excel in lyf. He just needs to whet it further. In lyf u would find friends who are mere parasites. They come into your lyf to suck up until u can offer and just move on. This people tend to be successful in lyf but the problem here is u just don’t have someone to glorify with you, with your success. But alas money can buy ’friends’ and you can live happily ever after. Well sometimes I envy such people. You gotta have an incandescent talent and that is to be a parasite. Well optimization of the most valuable resources is what we look at. The corporate looks at. Each day in life is introspection and retrospection. Each episode in life adds on to the vast and colossal experience in lyf. The numerous binges, jamboree or concomitant incidents make you ponder what lyf is all about. The talks and the happenings are all connected to lyf. Lyf is a mystery which pukes up surprises on a very daily basis. It’s the vast enormous experience that makes your lyf absorb the shock waves. And the best cushioning part is your friends, your old lost friends. What glory it is to get in touch with once lost friends and more importantly it’s a wonder feeling to know abt what they are doing in lyf.


This is sober mind writing and I am not gud wen I am abstemious. So I bring it to an end and do what I was asked to do: P: P

Well I would apologize if I have left out names in de list but u can add in as a comment and the list goes on:P


Doctors or to be doctors:








Dolly aka Arti







Pratik Rochani










Hitarth – SIEMENS

Manan- IBM

Vishu- IBM

Jino- L & T

Prateek Gupta - Freescale

Soumi- infy

Harsh Kashikar

Kausti- Adelaide



Nivi- London


Aditya Shekhar

Aadit – Bath


Pratik P : IIT Mum Project









& loads more… this is wat mah sober mind can recall :P









Rohan Bhatt




Ramya- rite now interning with Hindu



Prabodh- NIFT








Shruti Pandey


And finally the moment of utmost pride:

Ali to be soon Airforce pilot


Letz talk abt sex, SRK and Sena

Posted by Jacob Parackal on March 28, 2010 at 11:38 PM Comments comments (0)


Cricket, Politics and Movies have been the biggest newsmakers in our country. Every Indian is an expert of at least one of these topics, and the enjoyment that he or she derives from discussing them is paralleled only by the enjoyment derived from sex. And by these standards, in the last one month or so, Indians have indulged in mass orgy. Cricket was our foreplay, Politics was our sexual intercourse, and a Movie gave us the orgasm.


Now what do you do after having a satisfying session of sex? If you are selfish, you straightaway go to sleep. If you are sensual, you hold on and talk to your partner. So let’s talk how it was.


Let’s go back to the foreplay.


Foreplay has the elements of mystery and imagination in it. You might have known your partner for years, but you tend to touch him/her as if you are trying to explore something that was hitherto unknown to you. You might have kissed those lips a thousand times, but you have to feel a new taste every time. You have to use your imagination to make it happen. IPL auctions provided this element of mystery and imagination.


IPL auctions took place for cricketers to be sold (such a dignified achievement for a modern cricketer; apparently, as per the IPL rules, a player can’t negotiate his own contract amount, the franchisees must arrive at it among themselves. This was never deemed as ‘snub’ by any player). No Pakistani cricketer was sold. It was called IPL snub (sounds like snug – an ingredient of foreplay – okay; that was a PJ).


And it remains a mystery why it happened. Was it a pure business decision by the franchisees? Was there any Government pressure to do so? Was there any conspiracy by Lalit Modi against Pakistanis? Was there any conspiracy against Lalit Modi by Congress? Unanswered questions adding to the mystery.


And this mystery gave birth to vivid imaginations. Sohail Tanvir imagined that Hinduon ki zeheniyat hi aisi hoti hai (Hindus are deceitful and disrespectful by character). Our Home Minister imagined that Indian fans were the greatest lovers of Pakistani cricketers. Pakistani Home Minister imagined a planned revenge snub. Shah Rukh Khan imagined that Pakistan was a great neighbor to have. India was turned on.


Personally, I have no idea what was this whole IPL snub all about. All the unanswered questions listed above seem distinct possibilities to me. Seems like this whole IPL episode, which I am calling foreplay, was so good that I just enjoyed it with my eyes closed.


But Shiv Sena had their eyes open.


They had been looking for a partner for a long time. They courted Sachin Tendulkar. No response. They courted Mukesh Ambani. Again no response. They would have been heartbroken and hollering like this little kid seen here in this video, whose advances were blatantly ignored by a little girl just the same way as Tendulkar and Ambani ignored Sena’s feelers. But they decided to test the ‘third time lucky’ theory.


They decided to court Rahul Gandhi. And voila! Rahul responded, although he snubbed them. But we have just seen that how a snub had turned on a whole nation, rather a whole subcontinent just a few days back. Rahul’s snub turned Shiv Sena on. Last time they had to break office of a news channel to turn themselves on. Hungry and horny, now they needed a partner for intercourse. They courted Shah Rukh Khan.


If Shah Rukh Khan would have joined the rank of Tendulkar and Ambani and proved to be the third idiot in Shiv Sena’s eyes, he’d have rendered Shiv Sena as the Chatur Ramalingam (selfish, conservative, and revengeful) in the rest of the India’s eyes. But Shah Rukh Khan was not out there to promote 3 Idiots. His agenda was My Name Is Khan.


SRK had the demand, Shiv Sena had the supply. The twain met.


(At this point, let me make it clear – I’m not hinting at any pre-planned conspiracy hatched by SRK and Shiv Sena. I believe that SRK’s sentence on Pakistani players’ inclusion in the IPL was not aimed at garnering publicity for his movie. But once Shiv Sena gave him an opportunity to do so, he didn’t let it go.


That’s why Karan Johar, who had sprinted to Raj Thackeray to apologize for mentioning Mumbai as Bombay in Wake Up Sid, thought that freedom of speech was of paramount importance. And Shah Rukh Khan, who had, without much ado, changed the title of his movie Billu Barber after protests by some hairdressers, insisted that he didn’t need to change even a single word of his original statement.)


After foreplay, India was progressing towards intercourse.


Intercourse has the elements of dominion and passion. It’s best enjoyed when both the partners take turn to dominate, with the other one playing the submissive role at that moment. Whatever role you play, there has to be a passion in the act. India saw both of these elements in SRK-Shiv Sena standoff.


Shiv Sena took the dominant role in this political intercourse; they love being on top, don’t they? Shah Rukh Khan played along with passion; not submissive, yet not dominant. But to make this intercourse enjoyable and perfect, Shiv Sena needed to be dominated. And hence media and self-styled pro-democracy activists joined in, while voyeurs like me looked on.


The intercourse was just perfect. There was mass moaning and groaning on twitter. There were love bites with Shiv Sena biting off movie posters. And the media discovered the G-spot – cinema halls, which must be reached to achieve orgasm.


Going to a cinema hall to buy and brandish a movie ticket became the symbol of democracy and free speech. It was surely better than joining a facebook community to feed a hungry child or forwarding a chain mail to help a cancer patient. But not any better than buying a Durex condom on Valentine’s Day to oppose moral police (a campaign that has not yet taken off, but if it happens, Durex guys had better pay me for this idea).


But who cares about strictness and exactness of a kamasutra position while sweating with a partner in the bed. We were so busy with the intercourse that we couldn’t even hear a gunshot fired to kill a lawyer defending a Mumbai terror attack accused.


(Before the patriotic types point out that the lawyer himself had a dubious past and was once detained for anti-national activities and hence deserved to be killed, let me tell them to Shut Up – just like SRK had told those ‘sickos’ who hinted at him being hand in glove with Shiv Sena, and like Asif Ali Zardari had told an inattentive student during a public rally.


Anyone, who doesn’t violate the constitution of India, and in fact makes it the basis of his or her arguments (which a lawyer is supposed to do), must be protected (more than release of a movie) for the sake of democracy. If a lawyer is able to release a terrorist, the solution is not to shoot dead the lawyer, but to create stricter laws. Yes, the patriotic types can now point out that Gujarat’s stricter anti-terror law was shot down by the UPA government.)


Not only the gunshot, we went deaf and blind to various other stuffs going outside our bedroom as we twisted and twirled during the intercourse. Rising prices, crores of cash in IAS officers’ houses (by the way, where is Madhu Koda these days?), alleged political protection to an arrested terrorist, and many other things that a fake journalist like me might not even know – they became irrelevant as we tried to achieve a perfect orgasm.


Stimulated by media, the moment of orgasm did arrive.


I won’t try to enlist the elements of orgasm. You can’t define it, you have to experience it. I thought the nation experienced it when the first lot of movie goers came (out), and declared to the waiting reporters outside, “it was awesome”.


My Name Is Khan was superhit, the battle for democracy was won, and the orgy had ended.


So, thanks for holding on and talking. It was nice, but it could have been much better, much sensual, and much more meaningful. Next time, maybe?


Posted by Jacob Parackal on February 8, 2010 at 1:43 PM Comments comments (0)

My Name is khan


Movie Review: My Name is Khan


MY NAME IS KHAN makes two strong statements...

The first: B.C. [before Christ] and A.D. [after death] are designations used to label years in the Julian and Gregorian calendars. There's a third designation now - 9/11. Post September 11, the world stands divided. Terrorist outfits continue to strike in the name of religion and the common man, not even remotely associated with these groups, is bearing the brunt. The world is not a safe place anymore.


The second statement: There're two sets of people in this world - the good and the bad. No matter how strong the evil forces are, good always triumphs.


MY NAME IS KHAN mirrors the era we live in. Not a day goes by when you haven't heard/read/watched news of terror attacks and innocents being killed. We live in turbulent times. Also, the movie states - and states very strongly, without mincing words - Not all Muslims are terrorists.


Karan Johar's cinema got more real from KABHI ALVIDA NAA KEHNA onwards. In MY NAME IS KHAN, the storyteller attempts to make a social statement and succeeds completely. At the same time, it takes no sides. If the protagonist says 'My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist', it also exposes those who misadvise the youth with inflammatory and rabble-rousing speeches.


Karan's take on the issue deserves the highest praise, since a subject like this is difficult to attempt. Final word? MY NAME IS KHAN is Karan, SRK and Kajol's best outing to date. Do I need to add anything more?


Rizvan Khan [Shah Rukh Khan moves to San Francisco and lives with his brother [Jimmy Shergill] and sister-in-law [Sonya Jehan]. Rizvan, who has Asperger's syndrome, falls in love with Mandira [Kajol]. Despite protests from his brother, they get married and start a small business together. They are happy until September 11, when attitudes towards Muslims undergo a sea-change.


When tragedy strikes, Mandira is devastated and they split. Rizvan is confused and upset that the love of his life has left him. To win her back, he embarks on a touching and inspiring journey across America.


Let me alert you. The story unfolds feverishly from the very start itself. So if you miss a scene or two, chances are you would've missed some vital links in the story. The fact is, there's too much happening in the first half. Although the narrative tends to get leisurely-paced at times, the wheels continue to move from one episode to another.


A number of sequences are endearing. For instance, the romance between SRK and Kajol is subtle, yet charming. But it's SRK's relationship with Kajol and their kid that's one of the best parts of the movie. Your heart bleeds when an accident occurs and their lives are torn apart. Kajol's outburst - first, when her son meets with a catastrophe and second, when she confronts SRK - are truly shattering.


MY NAME IS KHAN's strength lies in the fact that you root for Khan all through. At the same time, you are weighed down when he's in a vulnerable situation, especially when he's labelled a terrorist and thrown behind bars. You don't realize it, but the fact is that you, as a spectator, have already got entwined in Rizvan and Mandira's lives.


There's a slight hitch in the second hour, when SRK returns to Georgia to save a hurricane-ravaged hamlet. Also, the media exercise tends to add to the length of the film. Nonetheless, it's a minor hiccup that doesn't rob the film of its punch.


There's just one word to illustrate Karan's direction - exemplary. One of the finest storytellers of our generation, he deserves brownie points for deviating from 'Karan Johar brand of cinema' and attempting a film that knocks on your heart and stimulates your mind. With MY NAME IS KHAN, Karan takes rapid strides as a storyteller.


Shibani Bathija's screenplay is truly arresting. Shibani and Niranjan Iyengar's dialogues are noteworthy and at times, applaud-worthy. Ravi K. Chandran's cinematography is awe-inspiring. Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy's music gels well with the nature of the film.


When a film stars two of the finest talents of the country, you expect nothing but the best. SRK, well, how does one describe his performance? To state that this is his best work so far would be cutting short the praise he truly deserves. In fact, no amount of praise can do sufficient justice to his portrayal of Rizvan Khan, who has Asperger's syndrome. His latest work is several notches above anything he has done before. The only compliment that I can think of is, SRK has a new screen-name now. Raj is passe, Rizvan it is.


Kajol is pure dynamite and casting her for this character was the most appropriate decision. No other actress could've matched SRK in histrionics the way Kajol has. In fact, SRK and Kajol compliment each other wonderfully well and this film only proves it yet again. It's a powerhouse performance from this supremely talented actress.


The film boasts of a number of capable actors, but the ones who leave a rock-solid impact are - in this order - Zarina Wahab, Sonya Jehan, Jimmy Shergill, Arjun Mathur, Parvin Dabas and Arif Zakaria. Sugandha Garg is confident. Navneet Nishan supports well. Vinay Pathak leaves a mark in a brief role. Tanay Chheda [young SRK] and Yuvaan Makaar [SRK and Kajol's son Sameer] are excellent. The American actors, especially the kid who plays Sameer's friend, deserves mention.


On the whole, MY NAME IS KHAN is a fascinating love story, has an angle of religion and a world-shaking incident as a backdrop. It not only entertains, but also mesmerises, enthrals and captivates the viewer in those 2.40 hours. At the same time, a film like MY NAME IS KHAN is sure to have a far-reaching influence due to its noble theme. I strongly advocate, don't miss this one!





Rating: 4.5/5

rakhi ka utmost swayamvaar

Posted by Jacob Parackal on December 24, 2009 at 9:46 AM Comments comments (0)

Well what a swayaamvar was it.. Rakhi chose a Canadian Elesh over other 15 contesting losers to be the moron of the year to finally ditch him in another reality show, Is it a joke or tasting the patience of Indian moronic viewers who raise the TRP's of this idiotic shows. Well the male avatar of this reality queen, the biggest drug addict, a criminal, a divorcee under financial crisis decides to get married.. All moronic girls please apply to get hitched with this non-family idiotic Mahajan.

This is a post i put in before the show had started. I guess there is no difference in what i wrote and what it actually turned out to be. Guys one thing is for sure a sequels are on the cards for next 25 years before menopause stops Rakhi from finding a guy. Who knows even after that phase she may be looking for some other show..


No extra cost for the Silicon.


Want to marry Rakhi Sawant?


Only retards, psychopaths and the socially challenged need apply. Once you clear this criterion you can now slug it out with a whole bunch of losers much like yourself on national television. Then proceed to having yourself humiliated and maybe even voted out by the audience or worse be stuck with this belligerent chick for kingdom come. Ok, stuck at least till one of the two finds a great divorce lawyer.


Rakhi says, ‘she hopes that God (by which she means the television producers) will help her find a mate‘. Believe me; God had nothing to do with this sordid plan.


From assaulting lovers on national television to being mauled herself by a seeming incoherent Mika; Rakhi Sawant is our very own, home grown ‘Queen of TV Trash‘.


Her Antics of ‘Big Boss‘ and then the third rate dance show ‘Nach Baliye‘, had an entire nation of bored housewives, their slightly dull children and flabbergasted servants hooked!


Subtlety is not what got her famous and a discerning audience is not what made her rich. And why break the absurd winning streak with quality programming?

This sleaze fest will see fifteen bachelors vying for her attention and shall gradually be weeded out. Till the lone ranger remains standing and Rakhi and he shall walk into the sunset hand in hand… on national television! Sure, this kinda programming happens all the time in other countries and as is the grand tradition of Indian Television… we must follow blindly.


As long as the advertisers are queuing up and the TRP‘s are in place, who cares of morality?


Just as the media‘s attention had started to wane from Ms Sawant, she pulls out the ultimate trump card.


But, maybe this is her swan song. Maybe she really does want to retire and become a home maker. Maybe she does want some decent bloke to make an honest woman out of her. BUT, there‘s no reason to not milk it for all it‘s worth. Roll Cameras!


The producers should throw in ten years of couple‘s counseling along with Rakhi‘s fat pay cheque.


Honestly, I do hope she finds a decent chap. But any boy who‘s looking forward to taking her from the show sets to meet his mommy, would sure know a thing or two about putting the ‘Fun‘ in Disfunctional!

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